“Research in the field of child development has demonstrated that a child’s security of attachment to parents is very strongly connected to the parents understanding of their own life experiences” (Parenting from the Inside Out, Siegel & Hartzell, 2003)
Often as parents and professionals working with children and adolescents, we want to focus our treatment and support on the child when they are experiencing behavior or emotional problems and we forget about the needs of the parent. I’m not suggesting that the child doesn’t need or warrant our focus, but inevitably the parent is struggling as well. It’s not the parent’s fault that the child is struggling just as it is not a child’s failure or inadequacy that is causing the issue. Behavior and emotional issues in children are their way of communicating a legitimate need. It is our job as parents and professionals to help our children interpret and discover what that need is and help them get that need met.
Parents who are willing to delve into examining their relationship dynamic with their child and explore their history and the inner thoughts and feelings guiding them today have a greater likelihood of improving their relationship with their child and helping their child to feel better and do better (Seigel & Hartzell, 2014).
When a child is in conflict and struggling emotionally and behaviorally, it might make more sense to start with the parent(s) in treatment in order to begin the work of helping both parent and child. A child may not need to receive treatment directly if the parent or parents have the capacity to explore relationship dynamics in the family and identify the root issues that may be underlying the child’s directly or indirectly expressed needs.
I think we send the child to see the therapist first because, let’s be honest, we are scared to death that we are going to discover or uncover that we are the problem, not our child. The hyper-judgmental and “success” obsessed parental culture that we are surrounded by makes it hard not to fear blame. No one is to blame. No one is at fault. The “problem” behavior or negative emotions are simply a result of not understanding the relational dynamics at play and the underlying legitimate needs being expressed. Therapy with the parent can allow the parent to interpret the child’s behavior and we need to help parents feel safe so they can be open to the work of self-reflection and understanding.