A teen or “tween” can be baffling and infuriating to live with at the very least. They can be grumpy, oppositional, sarcastic, aggressive and/or passive aggressive, unpredictable and outright obnoxious. It’s a difficult time for them and often a huge adjustment to the caregiver(s). It is a major moment of transition between the relationship of parent and child and so many parents want to know how to manage the transition while keeping the child-parent relationship intact.
Too often parents are advised to utilize consequences and restrictions as a way to get their adolescent or pre-adolescent to follow the rules at home, not “talk back” and complete homework or chores without a fight. The problem is that this can increase the conflict between parent and child and at times cause the child to become more oppositional when it comes to completing tasks and following family rules. There is a place for consequences, but it is best to not make this the first response to behavior issues (Shapiro & White, 2014).
Here are some survivor tips for living with your teen/tween:
- Instead of consequences and a focus on problem behavior, use incentives to reward good behavior. These days parents will take away phones or video gaming as a consequence, but instead, use these adolescent “must haves” as the incentive. For example: “As soon as you complete your homework and chores, you may play video games”.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Ignore eye rolling, mumbling under the breath, and other minor attempts at resistance. This is the adolescent’s way of differentiating from you and “having a voice”, don’t get pulled into a fight by taking it personally. It is best to ignore these annoying gestures of resistance.
- Listen and reflect complaints. I know they are hard to take and I certainly have trouble at times being an effective listener and not a reactive one, but your adolescent is much less likely to fight you if you are able to hear their complaints, concerns, and opinions (Ginott, Ginott & Goddard, 2003). This does not mean agreeing with them or changing the expectations. It simply means listening to what they have to say and empathizing and/or validating their point of view. For example: “I hear that you feel this rule is unfair and that you feel you should be able to play video games before you get your homework complete” or “Im sure it is disappointing to you that you can’t play on-line with your friend right now” . (Make sure you are genuine in your empathy/validation – teens can sense sarcasm a mile away!)
- Make rules and expectations a discussion whenever possible. All children are more likely to follow a rule or expectation if they have some say in the decision and even though you might expect that their input will be unrealistic, this is often not the case. For example; “How much time do you think you should be able to play video games during the weekdays?” or “what do you think is a fair expectation for contributing to the household chores?”. If you feel uncomfortable with allowing this much “choice” or ability to weigh in on the rule, then decrease the scope of their choice/opinion. For example: “You can spend one hour per day on video game playing during the week, do you want to use that time before dinner or after dinner?”
- Approach problems that arise with your adolescent when you are calm and collected and in the spirit of understanding . Teens and tweens make mistakes, forget details and struggle with many executive functioning skills (i.e. problem solving, time management, organizational skills and impulse control among other skills) because their brains are still developing (Siegel & Bryson, 2019). We need to understand that they are going to struggle with these skills and make poor decisions on a regular basis. If we are open to discussing what went wrong and what could help the adolescent avoid the same error next time, the adolescent is much more willing to take responsibility for the problem and “do better” in the future. Shaming, blaming and lecturing are much more likely to increase conflict and cause the adolescent to resist taking responsibility and be less likely to learn from the experience (Ginott, 1973). For example: “You seem to be having difficulty remembering your homework assignments, do you have any ideas about how you might be able to solve this problem?” or “You were late to school today. Do you know what went wrong this morning?”
- Give as much opportunity for independence as you and your child can handle. The primary role of the successfully developing adolescent is to differentiate from their parents and learn to be more and more independent emotionally, socially and in daily living skills. Friends are of HUGE importance during this time and social activities with friends is a very important time of learning and developing into a successful adult. It is highly recommended that you do not isolate or severely restrict your child’s social activity as a punishment or because of your anxiety and need for control. Opportunities to be in situations of decreased supervision and have greater independence can be provided in increasing increments based on the teens ability to handle these opportunities. For example: Allowing a tween to go to the movies with a friend while you are sitting in the lobby can be a first step in increased independence. If all goes well, you can “graduate” your tween to be able to be dropped off and picked up at the movie theatre without any immediate adult supervision while at the theatre. Make sure you are clear about your expectations and that any safety concerns and contingency plans are discussed prior to the event. If there is a problem, use it as an opportunity for your adolescent to learn from and develop better skills around decision-making, time management, etc.
The relationship you have with your teen is more important that the cleanliness of their room or the snarky attitude you get when you ask him to clean it. Look for opportunities to enjoy time together and focus on their successes. As parents, we overwhelmingly spend our time talking to our kids about what they are not doing or problem behavior and too little time is spent on appreciating what they are doing and the positive behavior. Look for opportunities to point out the good stuff and when possible, ignore the minor annoyances. I know, easier said than done!
CITATIONS
Ginott, H. G. (1973). Between Parent and Teenager. London: Cassell.
Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Between Parent and Child. New York: Random House.
Shapiro, S. L., & White, C. (2014). Mindful Discipline: A Loving Approach to Setting Limits and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Siegel, D. J., & BRYSON, T. P. (2019). The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child. S.I.:Bantam.